When we believe the world is responsible for how we feel then we want to do every possible thing we can to change the world so that we feel good. We end up walking around with an instruction book in our minds for the way people should behave. It’s our effort to control the world around us.
Most of us don’t even realize that we have instructions we want other people to follow. We think they are just reasonable requests or logical expectations that we have for others. We just want people to be nice, be honest or helpful.
So we don’t even notice that what we are doing is writing what we call a manual for them.
There are 3 problems with this. First is that we often don’t even tell them what the instructions are. We just expect them to know or want to do them. Second we hand over all of our responsibility to them for how we feel based on weather they follow our manual perfectly or not. Finally we aren’t letting people be who they are. We’re only wanting them to be who we want them to be. So then we don’t even get to know them fully or like them for who they are.
Our manuals are for people in general that we encounter in the world, say at a restaurant for example. And it may look something like this.
People shouldn’t take our parking spot.
People shouldn’t bring their screaming kids.
People should hold the door open.
People shouldn’t be on their phones.
People should talk quieter.
We also have them for the significant people in our lives. Take a spouse for example. We have an idea of how they should behave in order to be a good husband or a good wife. How they should meet our needs. How they should make us happy.
But no one can make us happy.
Only we can make ourselves happy.
Think of a person. Do you have one?
Ok. Here’s how you find out what your manual is.
Write out everything you want them to do? (do you want them to remember your birthday. Call you. Do the dishes without being asked. List it all out. )
Next write out how you would think or feel if they did all those things perfectly just as you would want. ( Would you be thinking they love me. I feel appreciated. I feel respected. Think of all of it. )
That’s your manual for them and why you have it.
Now here’s a question I have for you. Do you want them to do these things even if they don’t want to do them? Why? How does it feel for you to do things for other that you don’t want to do?
When we drop the expectations of others and make requests without our emotions tied to those requests then the time we spend with them becomes about connection and just being together. Our relationships become so much better. They rise up to the next level. It’s much more fun this way.
Love you madly.
Leslie
PS. Who was your person. What is your manual? Email me at leslie.canup@gmail.com and let me know.
